Bah

I am so sick of having physical things wrong with me. So tired of feeling limited in everything I do. There is a part of me that just wants to kick myself and tell myself to get over it and just buckle down and do it. Then there is the other part  of me that tells myself that I have something medically wrong with me and it is not my fault. Does it matter...I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am just wallowing in myself. I did something last night that I am not sure why I never did before. I googled the guy who abused me. But all I found was the links to his mom's and grandfather's obituaries. I then facebooked and found him but all there was was a picture. I guess I just keep expecting to find out that he was in jail or had been in jail. People do not do what he did on the scale he did without it being a lifelong problem. Although thankfully, he is unmarried and god knows I hope he doesn't have kids. I'm not even sure why I looked. Human curiousity. It was one of the nights where my mind was just going 250 mph, thinking over everything and unable to sleep. I don't like thinking about the past too much. I can't control where my brain goes or what it all makes me feel. And I don't really want to feel. I know I have a problem with keeping distance between myself and everyone around me. I am disappointed that it is still there. I would have thought after all these years it would have dissipated but I guess those sorts of things just don't dissipate. Anyway, the best I can do is take one day at a time, even one hour at a time and try to live it the way I want to. I also need to cut myself some slack but not too much.