Spring for me is like the New Year for most people. I look around at the world coming alive again, of everything turning warm and green and I always feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life. My life which has unexpectedly turned out much more enjoyable than I would have predicted 20-25 years ago. So many people yearn for their youth but I don't yearn for that stress and anxiety. I was always trying to do something, be someone, find someone, be somewhere or get something. I suppose my life is still like that in a number of ways but it is a much more settled, stable life. Having grown up in a very chaotic, unstable home there is nothing I have ever wanted or need more than stability. And so having that makes all the difference for me.
But as always, life is a journey right? The world doesn't stay still and neither do we (no matter how much we may wish otherwise). And the truth is, I have some problems, concerns, flaws, difficulties (whatever you want to call it), that I really would like to make some progress on. Because I have noticed a disturbing problem increasing over the years. Anything that requires higher level concentration or thinking is becoming more difficult. It's not clear to me whether this is related to my autoimmune disorder or an emotional/mental issue or some complex tangling of both but it's disturbing to say the least, particularly since I have always considered myself something of an intellectual. There have always been topics I have had a hard time wrapping my head around (philosophy anyone?)but I feel like when I am trying to think deeply or confront a question on a deeper level, I am a car driving straight that all of a sudden swerves off the road and I cannot get control of the wheel. It had occurred to me that this does dovetail rather neatly with my suspicion that I have ADHD.
Anywho, I digress somewhat. I had opened up a book I had purchased several years ago called Organize Now in an effort to get organized. Of course, the first week is really about taking stock of your priorities and what are your goals in life. My usual MO is to shake my head and mutter about this is a such a simple and straightforward task. In reality, I reached the conclusion this is not actually the case. This is where I started running into the problem I mentioned above, because when it comes down to it, I don't think I have been honest with myself about my priorities and goals in life. Thus I find pinning down these things much more difficult than I expected. Scrutinizing what makes you happy, what you want and need just may be one of the most difficult and uncomfortable topics I have had to explore in my life.
Anyway, more on this in a day or two. I am getting sleepy (maybe that's a defense mechanism).
